First, if you haven't read Part 1 go back and do it.
Done? Awesome.
So you heard me whine and complain about how hard my life was going to be because of that darn NFP. I've since had a change of heart. This post is about how that change happened. But first it's confession time, lest you think I cured myself in 4 months with 10 easy steps.
I still have a bad case of the "what if's?"
What if the trend continues and I get another high needs baby that's even worse than the last one?
What if we have 15 kids?
What if something goes wrong with one of my future pregnancies or my husband dies and leaves me to provide for 15 children by myself or (fill in some other terrible event created by my sick and twisted brain).
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| Who me? |
I still have a hard time trusting that God has my best interests in mind when he allows bad things to happen. It's been a huge spiritual struggle for me over the last two years. In fact the reason this post is coming months and months after the first part is that I was overcome by the urge to just give up on life because what was the point? It didn't seem like the appropriate time to finish a post about how to like your life... the irony wasn't lost on me.
So now that you know I'm only human, just like you, let's move on now to some things that are helping me change my thinking.
Time and Perspective
After living NFP for awhile it's changed me. Changed the way I think about sex, marriage and children. (I'm working on a follow up post on my current thoughts concerning NFP.) It's helped me to let go of some of that control I cling to so tightly.
I realized that I just don't know what's going to happen to me in the future. My husband and I have made so many plans for our life and do you know how many of them turned out the way we planned them? Approximately... none. God doesn't want us to worry about tomorrow so He probably doesn't want me to worry about some terrible imaginary future that I've concocted for myself. Have I mentioned that I'm a bit of a pessimist? I'm working on it.
In my whining I mentioned that I always wanted lots of kids but I didn't know how hard it would be. I started to feel crushed under all the needs of three little people. I seriously wondered whether I was cut our for this motherhood stuff. Then I read this article by Simcha. What she said was very similar to the advice I got from other moms of big families: what I was going through was only a phase and that adding to a big family was more like adding a big kid to where you are now rather than adding another baby. Now I see that they were right! I was in the midst of one of the hardest phases of my life: three kids 5 and under with a high needs baby, a husband in school, isolated from family and friends, suffering from postpartum depression and with the finances of a college student to boot. But then something happened, my kids did get older, only a few months older but it made all the difference in the world. My 5 year old was suddenly able to do all kinds of helpful things. My stubborn 3 year old finally potty trained. Lemur the Screamer started napping! NAPPPING! Yes, he was over a year old before he started napping, you have permission to feel sorry for me and send me sympathy gifts.
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| For me? You're too kind! |
Stopping the "If Only's" and Accepting Where I Was
For a long time I thought things like: If only we had become Catholic sooner, maybe then we would be better at NFP. If only we hadn't married so young, then we wouldn't have so many fertile years left. If only my husband were more involved in charting. If only my baby wasn't so needy. If only my husband wasn't in school.
This did not help. At. All. Um... duh. Right?
I had to accept where I was. I had to accept who I was. Coming to grips with reality is one of the first steps to healing from just about anything.
You can't do anything about your circumstances if you spend all your time wishing to change things that can't be changed. You have to move on to acceptance before you can effect change in areas that can be changed!
Owning My Choices
A friend told me that I shouldn't let life just happen to me, that I should own my choices.
Accepting responsibility is not my strong suite. I am the queen of making excuses for myself. I chose to use NFP but then I wanted to blame NFP for my life's troubles. It wasn't NFP's fault. I made a decision. I didn't want to stand behind it because it didn't fit with the vision in my head of children spaced just so, without all that pesky self-control. I let things happen to me rather than accepting those things as a result of my choice and it made me miserable.
Now I realize that to choose NFP is to choose self-sacrifice or to choose the (very likely, in my own case) possibility of babies, although those definitely come with a good dose of self-sacrifice as well. And now instead of feeling sorry for myself I'm owning the fact that I prefer babies. Can you blame me?
Don't let life just happen to you. Make choices you can stand behind and stand behind your choices. Know what the consequences of your actions could be and accept responsibility for them, you will be happier for it.
Choose to Make the Best of It
I really hate the saying "Happiness is a choice" because sometimes things are happening and you just can't wake up, look in the mirror and say "I'm going to be happy today." I think making the best of it is a much more realistic option. You can be stuck in a crappy situation but decide that you will do whatever you can to make things as good as they can be.
Just because someone is being a jerk or you're dirt poor, or you're life isn't going the way you had oh so carefully planned, doesn't mean that you are doomed to misery. You have find a way to work around the realities of your life. You may not be able to change reality but you can change how you deal with it.
Make Time for Yourself
Even if it's just twenty minutes in the bathtub to be alone with your thoughts. Take it from me, if you don't, and especially if you are at home all day with young children, you will go crazy and start to wonder...
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| Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? |
Self care is key. I don't mean things like going to the spa once a week. I mean things like getting enough sleep, showering, finding some time to do something that makes you feel human again. Find what keeps you sane and do that thing, make time for that thing however you can. It's quite unusual the way moms do it alone today, in the past they either hired help or lived in multi-generational homes with grandmas and aunts and cousins to help out. Doing all the things on your own is not normal or even possible!
You need some time to breathe, some time to do what makes you feel like you.
So... How to Change Your Expectations So You Like Your Life?
Ann Voskamp once said "Expectations kill relationships." It's true. So expect less from other people and more from yourself. When you go about your life expecting other people to act in a certain way or fulfill your needs (especially when you don't even tell them what those needs are) you are setting yourself and others up for failure. You are the only person you can change.
Expect reality to be real (not the Disney version). Expect to not be in control. Expect things to not go as planned. Assume that if something doesn't work out it just wasn't meant to be. I think of this quote by Jean-Pierre de Caussade often.
"You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them, are nothing more nor less than blasphemies - though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God, and yet [God's] beloved children curse it because they do not know it for what it is."
Expect suffering. It happens to us all. It's sometimes hard to understand why but we can give it purpose by offering it up for someone.
Except people to be people but assume the best. If something is stolen out of your car assume that whoever stole it needed it more than you do. If your child misbehaves assume that they are tired or something is bothering them. Assume the same thing when your spouse is grouchy. (If you were the one having a bad day how much better would you respond to your spouse offering you a cup of tea and the chance at a nap than a scolding?)
Try to have realistic expectations. Realize that in certain seasons of your life you will not be able to do some of the things you dream about doing but remember that seasons pass. Try to live where you are now. Be present. Don't dream of the future while in the present only to dream of the past in the future.
I guess the summary of what I'm trying to say would be if you expect life to give you lemons but instead it gives you fish please accept that you have a fish and don't try to make lemonade out of it. Life is only what you make it after all.
