7 Quick Takes: Episode #1, Things I'm Looking Forward to in 2014

Things I'm Looking Forward to in 2014

--- 1 ---

My new blog! Thanks for visiting! You have stumbled on a blog with three whole posts and an about me section. Yay for you! Please read them? Pleeeease?! If by some miracle you like me, stick around! I promise to write more.

Why yes, I did grow up in the 90's. Why do you ask?

--- 2 ---

My husband graduates from school at last! 

After the housing crisis hit, his paychecks started bouncing. On payday all the guys would rush to the bank hoping that if they got there first there would be at least enough money in the account for their check to clear. It was pretty sad. The bank tellers knew all the guys by sight. If there was no money in the account the teller would catch the guys attention while they were still standing in line and shake her head.

So back to school we went. I say we because when your husband is in school it affects every part of family life. I'm glad he went but I am sooooo glad he's almost done.

--- 3 ---

My husband's schedule will no longer change every four months. It takes me four months just to get used to the schedule and get into a routine only to have it change again. It's exasperating!

--- 4 ---

A new job without bouncing pay checks. 'Nuff said.

*Knock on wood.*

--- 5 ---

Moving! I surprised myself with this one. I hate moving, or used to. We have moved something like 8 times in 7 years and I've been pregnant at least half of those times. A couple of months ago I got the inexplicable urge to move again. Then I realized it had been 18 months since we last moved - the longest we've ever stayed anywhere. Apparently I now have an internal clock to tell me when it's time to move on.

I have accepted my destiny as a nomad.

--- 6 ---

A house with a fenced yard, real storage, more than one bathroom, a living room that doesn't have to function as all the things and have the kitchen in it too. I know every one is all "Open floor plan! Open floor plan!" But when you have small children, a very needy baby and you suck at keeping up with things, the closed-er the better. See what I did there? Isn't it funny when I butcher the English language? Get used to it.

How do I know for sure we will have a house like that this year? I don't. Stop crushing my dreams.

--- 7 ---

This is not actually my son.

My youngest, Lemur the Screamer, as he's known around here, turns 2.

Normally I love 2.

Please let 2 be better!

Thanks for joining me!
For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

How to Change Your Expectations So You Like Your Life (Part 1)

My whole life I've felt duped. Santa isn't real. High school wasn't fun. College was no better. I found things in the LDS church library that I never learned in seminary. Fairy tales and happily ever after... more like impossibly high expectations of another person who is only human after all and happyish ever after.

 I like to wash dishes, change diapers and make your dreams come true!

And I'm not quite sure where I got the impression that I could have a clean house, well behaved, frolicking, happy children and bake bread and cookies every day but I'm here to tell you it was false, my friends!

People forget to tell you what it's really like. They forget to tell you that it hurts to become someone new. People love to tell you about heaven but they forget to tell you about the cross.

I won't do that to you. Because the cross is what makes heaven possible. 

I won't sugar-coat. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down but if there's very little sugar on the spoon, realistic expectations would have been better.

I am tasty.... just kidding, I lied.

A friend encouraged me to start this blog because I showed her something I wrote 4 months ago when I could no longer cling to the idealized picture of my life that I had in my head. I don't feel like I did when I wrote this anymore but I wanted to show you something real before I tell you how I changed (please check back for that in part 2)

***September 4, 2013***

I'm realizing that my life is set. This is how it's going to be for the next 30 plus years and I'm trying to come to grips with that. I'm trying to be happy. This is the life I wanted after all... I just thought it would be... you know... better.

I always wanted lots of kids but #1 I didn't know how hard it would be even though everyone tells you it is and #2 I didn't know that my husband and I would become Catholic and have to use Natural Family Planning (NFP) . We are terrible at it. And while I'm okay with lots of kids, I was hoping to have a little more control and less self-discipline involved in the spacing of said children.

My 5 year old and I, constantly butt heads. The almost 3 year old thinks he owns the place. The baby... well let's just say his nickname is Screamer. I am completely and totally terrified of getting pregnant again. After two extremely needy babies in a row I. am. done. Last night the baby was screaming his head off while I was trying to make dinner. My husband finally took him and poured me a glass of wine, which he put in a plastic cup "so I would not be tempted to smash it and slit my wrists" I think he was only half joking.

I know some things will change. My husband is still in school now and he'll be done someday. Hopefully he'll find a good job and we'll be able to have a place of our own without all the crappy rental problems. I know these kids will get older, but, then there will just be more! Baby after baby if we can't be any better at NFP. I am scared to death of all the fertile years I have left. This is oh so petty and I shouldn't even type it out loud but... I don't waaaaant to have to drive a 15 passenger van!

I keep looking at all these other people that are done having kids or they send their kids to school instead of homeschooling or they don't have kids yet and they're doing fun things like taking vacations together or working at gourmet sweet shops or they formula feed and can leave the baby overnight with grandma or a million other things and while I know I don't want those things for my family it's hard not to feel a little jealous, like they have it easier and I just wish things were easier for me. I know all those people have their own problems that I'm not seeing... it's kind of like when I'm in labor, I always think - man, wouldn't it be nice to be one of those ladies who just get an epidural and nap until it's time for the baby to come? Even though I know I want a natural birth and that epidurals aren't always a pleasant experience.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to accept the life I have now that I'm actually in it and it's not a glittering picture of smiling children and frolicing in the sunshine that I had in my head. How do I change my expectations about what family life is really like and enjoy it? Because right now... I kinda just want to run away and anything I do is done out of a sense of duty not out of my heart... and I hate that.

My Center

Have you seen Rise of the Guardians? Great. Movie. And that's saying something, coming from someone who doesn't "do" Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy (that's a post for another time). 

I love the tough, tattooed version of Santa in this film. The real St. Nick did punch a heretic after all. (Scroll to the bottom of the link for all the awesome memes.)

The part of the movie that stuck with me the most was this:

Santa's personality using nesting dolls. Can you get any cooler than that? Jack opens each doll to reveal a new layer of Nicholas. The last doll, his center, is wonder. Nicholas then asks Jack "What is at your center?

That question got inside my head. It made me wonder what my nesting doll would look like. 

Outside I am quiet and reserved. If you get to know me a little bit I am quirky and love to make people laugh. The next layer is a little on the dark side. The next is friendly and caring and the next fierce and loyal. And the center? What is at my center? 

I would say hope. 

Hope is what I crave the most. It's what I want to bring to the people around me. "Never give up, never surrender!" that's what I'm about.... and possibly being a geeky weirdo.

Ahem... moving on.

The funny thing about hope is that you have to be honest. You have to admit that things are bad before hope can help you. Because the time when you most need hope is the time when your circumstances are dire. Hope is what keeps you going when nothing else will, even though it's just a sliver of something that might be. 

So what will this blog be like with me as it's center? Sometimes it will be funny (I hope). Sometimes it will be dark. It will always be honest. And hopefully it will be that sliver of light to someone who needs it.

If you find your way to my blog I'd love to hear, what's at your center?