My whole life I've felt duped. Santa isn't real. High school wasn't fun. College was no better. I found things in the LDS church library that I never learned in seminary. Fairy tales and happily ever after... more like impossibly high expectations of another person who is only human after all and happyish ever after.
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| I like to wash dishes, change diapers and make your dreams come true! |
And I'm not quite sure where I got the impression that I could have a clean house, well behaved, frolicking, happy children and bake bread and cookies every day but I'm here to tell you it was false, my friends!
People forget to tell you what it's really like. They forget to tell you that it hurts to become someone new. People love to tell you about heaven but they forget to tell you about the cross.
I won't do that to you. Because the cross is what makes heaven possible.
I won't sugar-coat. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down but if there's very little sugar on the spoon, realistic expectations would have been better.
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| I am tasty.... just kidding, I lied. |
A friend encouraged me to start this blog because I showed her something I wrote 4 months ago when I could no longer cling to the idealized picture of my life that I had in my head. I don't feel like I did when I wrote this anymore but I wanted to show you something real before I tell you how I changed (please check back for that in part 2)
***September 4, 2013***
I'm realizing that my life is set. This is how it's going to be for the next 30 plus years and I'm trying to come to grips with that. I'm trying to be happy. This is the life I wanted after all... I just thought it would be... you know... better.
I always wanted lots of kids but #1 I didn't know how hard it would be even though everyone tells you it is and #2 I didn't know that my husband and I would become Catholic and have to use Natural Family Planning (NFP) . We are terrible at it. And while I'm okay with lots of kids, I was hoping to have a little more control and less self-discipline involved in the spacing of said children.
My 5 year old and I, constantly butt heads. The almost 3 year old thinks he owns the place. The baby... well let's just say his nickname is Screamer. I am completely and totally terrified of getting pregnant again. After two extremely needy babies in a row I. am. done. Last night the baby was screaming his head off while I was trying to make dinner. My husband finally took him and poured me a glass of wine, which he put in a plastic cup "so I would not be tempted to smash it and slit my wrists" I think he was only half joking.
I know some things will change. My husband is still in school now and he'll be done someday. Hopefully he'll find a good job and we'll be able to have a place of our own without all the crappy rental problems. I know these kids will get older, but, then there will just be more! Baby after baby if we can't be any better at NFP. I am scared to death of all the fertile years I have left. This is oh so petty and I shouldn't even type it out loud but... I don't waaaaant to have to drive a 15 passenger van!
I keep looking at all these other people that are done having kids or they send their kids to school instead of homeschooling or they don't have kids yet and they're doing fun things like taking vacations together or working at gourmet sweet shops or they formula feed and can leave the baby overnight with grandma or a million other things and while I know I don't want those things for my family it's hard not to feel a little jealous, like they have it easier and I just wish things were easier for me. I know all those people have their own problems that I'm not seeing... it's kind of like when I'm in labor, I always think - man, wouldn't it be nice to be one of those ladies who just get an epidural and nap until it's time for the baby to come? Even though I know I want a natural birth and that epidurals aren't always a pleasant experience.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to accept the life I have now that I'm actually in it and it's not a glittering picture of smiling children and frolicing in the sunshine that I had in my head. How do I change my expectations about what family life is really like and enjoy it? Because right now... I kinda just want to run away and anything I do is done out of a sense of duty not out of my heart... and I hate that.
I always wanted lots of kids but #1 I didn't know how hard it would be even though everyone tells you it is and #2 I didn't know that my husband and I would become Catholic and have to use Natural Family Planning (NFP) . We are terrible at it. And while I'm okay with lots of kids, I was hoping to have a little more control and less self-discipline involved in the spacing of said children.
My 5 year old and I, constantly butt heads. The almost 3 year old thinks he owns the place. The baby... well let's just say his nickname is Screamer. I am completely and totally terrified of getting pregnant again. After two extremely needy babies in a row I. am. done. Last night the baby was screaming his head off while I was trying to make dinner. My husband finally took him and poured me a glass of wine, which he put in a plastic cup "so I would not be tempted to smash it and slit my wrists" I think he was only half joking.
I know some things will change. My husband is still in school now and he'll be done someday. Hopefully he'll find a good job and we'll be able to have a place of our own without all the crappy rental problems. I know these kids will get older, but, then there will just be more! Baby after baby if we can't be any better at NFP. I am scared to death of all the fertile years I have left. This is oh so petty and I shouldn't even type it out loud but... I don't waaaaant to have to drive a 15 passenger van!
I keep looking at all these other people that are done having kids or they send their kids to school instead of homeschooling or they don't have kids yet and they're doing fun things like taking vacations together or working at gourmet sweet shops or they formula feed and can leave the baby overnight with grandma or a million other things and while I know I don't want those things for my family it's hard not to feel a little jealous, like they have it easier and I just wish things were easier for me. I know all those people have their own problems that I'm not seeing... it's kind of like when I'm in labor, I always think - man, wouldn't it be nice to be one of those ladies who just get an epidural and nap until it's time for the baby to come? Even though I know I want a natural birth and that epidurals aren't always a pleasant experience.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to accept the life I have now that I'm actually in it and it's not a glittering picture of smiling children and frolicing in the sunshine that I had in my head. How do I change my expectations about what family life is really like and enjoy it? Because right now... I kinda just want to run away and anything I do is done out of a sense of duty not out of my heart... and I hate that.
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